Not to have a secret thing, have a measure of privacy, sharing the thoughts that you have with others, these are very important. What is a family? A family is a few members living together. That togetherness should be mutual exposure, collectivity and mutuality at every point of time.The parents should be available to support and strengthen the children. The children should be equally available to support and strengthen the parents.
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Harih Om Tat Sat. Jai Guru. Jai Guru.
I was editing a Malayalam letter this morning. One person, Anuradha by name has asked “What shall I do, how to lead a Grihastāshrama properly?” I think she is not married. She is yet to be married. So, I was replying the letter.
Most probably yesterday, another family doing business from Bombay came. He has given me a slip of paper in which a few statements are made. What are the practices and regularities which one has to observe? He calls them ‘Achārās’. So, what are the Achārās and Anushtānās that one has to observe in life? What are the practices and disciplines to be governing the married life? What is the refinement or disciplines one has to adopt in order to have good children? How to bring up the children? What should be the manner in which the couple should behave? What is meant by Shodashopachāra Pooja?
Like that, I think he has put about six or seven statements and he says, “I have been looking into many things but I don’t find an answer. You should write a book explaining these matters and I think it will be very useful. If necessary, I shall try to bear the cost of publication.” I believe he said that. So, I said, “Let me see.” I came to my computer and entered his points in the computer so that they will be there.
We have written something or spoken up in many places but we have not been able to club the matter together and then produce a useful book. People mentioning like this is in a way stimulating the thought process and focusing the need for such a publication. Maybe quite a few millions of people have been viewing me on the television for six years now. Many of them may not have been viewing for all the period, but maybe at least a few years, two or three, three or four, four or five, one. The manner in which I talk and they hear forges a kind of a loyalty on the one hand, more important than that is the depth and penetration the speech causes in them. They become so irresistibly convinced about the need for leading one’s life properly. Many people have many ideas and these ideas are not alright. Yesterday I had a little conversation with ‘R’ and some of you should ask him, how his mind reacts to whatever is said. I generally say good things, better things, best and super-best things. Now, when I say that I am very firm about it. And I don’t think I will present a proposition which can be spurned, rejected, lowered or dismissed. Then why should I say?
What is meant by marriage? And what is meant by post-married life? Two people loving each other to get married is one item, one thing. But the moment they get married, they make a family and they have to rear a family. Till marriage, normally they will be away from each other. They will not live together. But living together is different from liking and loving each other. While you start living, so many matters will come up. There will be frictions, ego clashes, ambition differences, commitment changes, importance changes, cleanliness becomes, hygiene becomes a question. Sitting, lying, standing, walking, speaking, everything becomes a subject of observation. Unless they have a spirit of adjustment, they have an understanding, how can they carry on?
To marry is distinctly to begin a new life of intimacy, proximity and close association. Now this marriage will not be successful unless you keep this aspect free and sacred till you marry. So, a person till he or she marries should become, should be a celibate. That celibacy till marriage is what is going to bond the marital’s togetherness. If two people have been together and the togetherness also meant marital indulgence, then why should they get married? Maximum they should only say that, “We are going to be together from now on. We have been together, but not so openly and fully. We would like to know that we have been. And now you can consider that we are husband and wife.” If you can do something, why don’t be speak about it? So, one test for good action is, such action is good which you can make public.
If you cannot make public whatever you do is not a good action. And when it is given a public character, anything can become noble, good and great. You will find in the Indian communities, there are some practices which are publicly accepted and because of the public acceptance, you cannot laugh over them or deride them. For instance, I was told there is a community in India who select a common husband. He is not a husband, a very good-looking, youthful man. He is selected by the society and that person is free to go to any family and cohabit with the woman. He is given a pair of special chappals and the chappal is the identity for him. That is not the beauty. The beautiful part is when he becomes old, that man is rejected and another is appointed. That is natural. And there are people to be selected for the purpose and there are people who select them also.
What do you say about it? And what is the idea? They must have good and beautiful children. All husbands are not beautiful. All women also are not beautiful. So, they are trying to introduce the element of beauty and health by selecting a person, they say. Because it is a public selection, you cannot attribute anything like unchastity, dis-chastity and things like that. Because it is publicly done.
So, whatever you do… So, I tell the children one point. What is that? You are free to do what you like. But tell your parents what you do, before you do. The first choice is telling them and sharing with them before you do. If you cannot do it, at least while doing you tell them. If that is also not possible, after doing you should share it with them. I don’t ask them not to do, but I ask them “Do, but before you doing, you tell your parents, this is what I propose to do.” After all you are young. You are immature. So, parents are the only protectional and safe-guarding elements. So, you owe it to the parents to share everything with them. Share everything with them. And this sharing should be preferably done before. If for any reason you are not able to do so, at least telephone them and tell them, “I am going to such and such a place. Suddenly it has come about, so I will be a little late, don’t worry about. This is the telephone number, you can contact me there.” If that also is not possible, at least tell them after commission of whatever you do.
All that I want them to do is share their heart with the parents, until when? Until you grow, get married and you will have a partner to share with. But that sharing is necessary. Have nothing secret in your heart. You can have a measure of privacy, like you go the bathroom alone. There are moments when you like to be alone physically. Some of the things which you use, you want them to be specific for yourself. You don’t want anybody else to handle it like pen, watch and any other item that you have, mobile and things like that.
Why you should not have a mobile used by many people? Whenever I am given a telephone, instinctively also, I wipe the speaking part of it, definitely the both if possible and then use it. You know, mobile or telephone, it is something that you constantly spit into, spit into, spit into. It is the most infectious instrument that is commonly used, telephone, land telephone as well as mobile. And our mobile has got dangerous elements in them. The radiation passes through the brain. And what all disorders and troubles this is generating and will generate are not yet known to people. They will find it out in the next few years. And then say mobile has this, mobile has that, this, this, this, this. Most of the manufacturers, they hide the secrets. Secrets means there are dangerous and disturbing elements. They don’t disclose them. Ultimately scientists have to discover and then they put it forth.
So, not to have a secret thing, have a measure of privacy, sharing the thoughts that you have with others, these are very important. What is a family? A family is a few members living together. That togetherness should be mutual exposure, collectivity and mutuality at every point of time. The parents should be available to support and strengthen the children. The children should be equally available to support and strengthen the parents. In our Ashram, what is our disadvantage? We don’t have any children of ours who will be very close to us and will be available at every point of time, as householders have. They also don’t have, their children are distanced. So, we have to get this role fulfilled by somebody else. But we also have our children. They are mental children. They are not physical children, physically born. Such people, I think Guru-sishya relationship is perhaps the sweetest and the most effective that you can think of. Very few people rise to that Guru-sishya level. But once somebody can rise to that level, it is perhaps the best.
The real Guru is one who makes the sishya himself. The sishya is ready-to-absorb what he gives. The Guru is ready to impart what he knows and he makes his sishya as or even more adorable then himself. What more do you want? So, this is also very important. I just shared with you whatever happened in my mind this morning and yesterday.
Harih Om Tat Sat. Jai Guru. Jai Guru.